


'til the sky is on fire

by transzoemurphy



Category: Castle
Genre: 4x09, Canon Typical Violence, Episode: s04e09 Kill Shot, F/M, FOR ONCE - freeform, Flashbacks, Fragmented Thoughts, Hypervigilance, Lowercase, PTSD, Panic Attack, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slight Canon Divergence, Stream of Consciousness, alcohol abuse mentioned, i adore her, idk dude, idk it's rly hard to get castle's Voice, kate being vulnerable, kate talking about her feelings, self harm mentioned, these two... need to communicate, well at some points
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-02
Updated: 2019-05-02
Packaged: 2020-02-16 02:14:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18682057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/transzoemurphy/pseuds/transzoemurphy
Summary: what if castle stumbled across beckett after her breakdown in the hotel?(title from the song drugs by eden!)





	'til the sky is on fire

**Author's Note:**

> s4ep9 hit me directly in the Heart and im not at all okay.   
> also im singlehandedly resurrecting the castle fandom and i hope yall know that

 

you know that sound, when you're in the middle of breaking down and no one can know, and you can't breathe through your tears but you need air, so you gasp for air but it comes out as kind of a choked half sob?

it wasn't what kate beckett wanted to hear as she broke down in that bathroom and that only made everything worse.

she kept telling herself, _get a grip on yourself, kate, you're on a case_. but every time she heard her name being shouted as she bled out with a bullet in her heart; she felt hands doing cpr trying desperately to keep her alive; she heard _i love you i love you iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou_ fall from castle's lips; she heard the alarms on the ambulance and her heart monitor flatlining, and _god_ , that was the last thing she wanted.

her jacket was choking her and the wounds from the previous night were burning where the girl had gripped her arm (that girl was kate, in a way; she had the same scared look in her eyes that beckett faced whenever she dared to glance at her own reflection). beckett tore off her jacket and dropped it to the floor, bracing her arms against the wall, but that only made the pain worse.

god, what had she done?

her world was spinning and blurred and not just because she was hungover, no, kate beckett was in the middle of a grade-A panic attack. during a case. while a girl had almost died and had desperately clung to kate for help and kate hadn't been able to offer any.

it took her several minutes to calm down enough to drive herself back to the station, and several more minutes of walking with her head down, red eyes glued to the ground until she found a stairwell to sit in for a while.

she curled up on the large step halfway up the stairs, her fists inside the pockets of her coat, eyes down, her hair a mess. she stared down at the ground, nearly glaring at the dirt and gravel and one little lonely ant.

kate felt like that sometimes. like one lonely ant who had been moved abruptly from her home and placed somewhere far away, alone, with barely a chance of getting back.

another tiny ant joined the first one. that made it official, kate officially was more lonely than an ant. cool.

for whatever reason watching the two ants march off into what seemed like the wilderness of a foreign land to them was overwhelming to kate, and she found herself biting back tears in the stairwell. _over some god damn ants_.

and, great, solidifying her role as the biggest loser in the nypd's entire recorded history: footsteps approaching.

she could tell they were castle's by the overconfident strides he always took, the way he disguised any insecurity with cockiness.

"kate?"

"it's not the best time, castle." she wiped her nose on her sleeve.

"okay." he kept walking anyway, sitting down next to her and saying nothing.

she never thought she'd live to see the day that castle didn't immediately start talking when given an opportunity.

"can i ask if you want to talk about... things?"

"no," she said.

"okay."

after a moment's deliberation, she rested her head carefully against his shoulder, not close enough tobe weird, but enough to be comforting. castle placed his hand on hers, lightly enough that it was a question, not a threat, and she took his hand, still not saying anything.

they stayed like that for a few minutes, in what was probably the most intimate situation she'd found herself in for a long time. years. maybe since the day she found out her mother had died.

"rick?"

"yeah?"

"if you tell anyone about this i'll make sure you never know peace again."

"received and entirely understood."

kate sighed and pushed her hair out of her face only to let it fall back a second later. "seeing all this? with the sniper? it's... i'm living all the time in this... intense fear of everything. every loud noise or flash of light makes me panic. and it's god damn frustrating because i want to just get over it and be a cop but i can't. and, uh," she looked solidly away from him, too upset to bother with eye contact, "my therapist said i show symptoms of ptsd. apparently it's called hypervigilence, he said, being on guard all the time. i just..." she shrugged. "it's exhausting."

rick absently ran his thumb along the back of her hand. "is there any way i can help?"

his voice was soft, low, kind of scared, and kate couldn't help but remember the way he'd sounded when he told her he loved her. and _god_ , she was selfish, pretending not to remember.

"i don't know," she said, but she meant, _i need to think about that, because i'm not sure what i want, yet_ , and somehow, rick seemed to understand.

it took her a moment. "if i'm panicking, please just help me up and don't make a scene. and don't talk too loud if there's.. something going on. and for god's sake your stupid 'writer' vest needs to go."

castle snorted lightly. "there she is. there's kate."

kate smiled weakly at that.

"do you, uh, do you want water?"

she considered that for a second (pros: water, cons: castle leaving, though she'd never voice that thought aloud) before nodding. "yeah. thanks."

castle nodded and walked calmly away, but the second he turned the corner she could hear him bolting down the hallway.

he came back a minute later with a styrofoam cup of cold water. "i brought you water."

"thanks." she took a sip of the water and asked, "how did you know i'd come here?"

"i figured you would come back to the precinct if you were upset, and i figured you still wouldn't be fully calm and you wouldn't want to go back on the case yet. i think you wanted to be alone, but you also subconsciously wanted someone to come find you. and i figured if you wanted to be found, you'd be somewhere public but out of the way. and the stairs just... seemed like someplace you'd be."

it took her a second to process that, but when she did: "so basically being a writer teaches you to stalk people?"

"yeah. but i also know you," rick said. "your patterns of behaviour were really helpful."

kate sighed, wiped her palms on her pants, grabbed her water, and stood. "i didn't get shot to _not_ solve this case, castle, let's go."

castle stared at her for a second. "that wasn't what the pattern of behaviour indicated would happen."

**Author's Note:**

> jhhhhjbhhh idk my dude this episode gave me So Many feelings.   
> also im trying to go for like,, expressing how Panicked kate is by how the sentences are longer and more winding if that makes sense?? idk if that worked but f for the fortnite lobby.   
> also im still SOBBING over this episode  
> kate sweetie ur doing amazing


End file.
